Godfather of Class

I love books, but book signings have always made me uncomfortable. Standing in a line, waiting to get to the author’s table, making weird chit chat, and for what? A book with a signature somewhere inside it? I don’t really need the physical artifact; I’m not a collector.

As a result, the only book signing I’ve ever been to was two years ago in Cambridge, MA. Joss Whedon was signing at a comic book store. I stood in line for nearly 4 hours, happily. I saw the hundreds of people who had piles and piles of merch for Mr. Whedon to sign, and all the questions they had, and all the pictures they took with him. I told myself that when I reached the table, I would politely place my single comic book before him and say, “Hello, thanks so much for coming here. Could you please sign this for Tony with a Y? He’s my best friend, and he loves Buffy so much. It was our favorite show, and I want to thank you for making it.” Then accept the signed comic and quickly step aside, because he’s a busy man.

None of that happened. I got to the table, dropped my comic on the ground, recovered it, was asked to whom he should make it out, and then mumbled nothing English. Which is ridiculous, because I bet it gets really old, to see people act like that in your presence.

So without further ado, here are TJ’s Top 5 Tips on How to Conduct Oneself During a Book Signing.

1. Mention the weather. That’s right, I may be standing in front of someone who can call up the Queen of England just to say what up, but I am so unconcerned. I’m more worried about the possibility of snow.

2. Compliment a tie. Oh, there will be a tie. God, I hope there’s a tie. And it probably will be smashing. That’s pleasant chit chat, right? Should refrain from asking the natural follow-up: “Where did you get it?” That might sound stalkerish.

3. Don’t dawdle. Surely there will be thousands of people standing in line behind me, for I plan on being one of the first in line and I don’t want to be rude to all the losers who wandered in at ten till. I’ll exchange a few pleasantries and then I’ll skeedaddle.

4. Buy lots of things. I already have a copy of Stephen Fry in America; I had it shipped from the UK last year like a true Trufan. But I’d feel weird going to the signing and not buying anything, so that is what I will do. I wonder if it would be awful to also ask him to sign my October 08 issue of Radio Times? Or his novels? Oh, I don’t want to be That Guy with 12 different things that need signing; how tedious. OK, maximum two things that will get signed, yes? One must practice self-restraint.

5. Only ask for a photo if other people are doing it. I’d kick myself if I didn’t get any hard evidence of what might be my best day ever, but I don’t want to pull out a camera if no one else does it. Normally I wouldn’t worry; Mr. Fry is a celebrity and people take pictures with celebrities, right? But I don’t know what the demographic at this book signing will be. He’s more of a British celeb, so will the fans at the bookstore be mostly expats, scholars, and the elderly? Will they even own cameras? We shall see.

I’m so excited to go to Idlewild on Monday. Stuff like this is what makes the city so great! Wish me luck.

Totes Fine Image CC from Wikimedia.